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The Catfish Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] in today's show, bill's gonna throw the discus right into my windshield wiper. Thank you, bill. Dougie, I guess, has picked up something off the carpet. I don't know what he's doing there. I'm gonna actually show you how to make a stretch rowboat. And buzz is gonna dry-clean his plane. And now here's a man who's proved where there's a will, there's a wilderness, my uncle red green! Red: Thank you. Thank you very much. And now meet the guy who proves where there's a will, there's a won't, my nephew and director by marriage, harold. Wa-a-a! Yee-hi! Oh, man. Big stuff up at the lodge this week. One of the local churches is having their annual fishing fundraiser contest thing -- the "catch a catfish for confirmation" contest. And all the proceeds are gonna go to their "bible in every motel room" fund. So out in possum lake we got to have 500 fishermen out there, casting, throwing, whatever. Moose thompson is so convinced he's gonna catch a great, big catfish that he took the winch off his truck, and he soldered it to a great, big metal flagpole. Wow. How many fish have we reeled in so far? None. In fact, if this keeps up, it might turn into the biggest-bait contest. But I figure they got to catch a catfish eventually, 'cause catfish are bottom feeders, and you can't get more bottom than possum lake. Uncle red, there aren't any catfish in possum lake. They like freshwater. Oh, you're just whining 'cause the catfish are smarter than you, harold. That's not true. I'm just not interested in fishing because I am a television producer. Oh, that's right. He's already a bottom feeder. And, you know, these wings, they're really strong. You know, the other night, we were having a party. I had seven people on this thing dancing. Great party. Good thing we didn't hit any air pockets. Whoa! [ laughs ] [ guitar playing ] ♪ well, you can see the effect of the modeling school ♪ ♪ in the way she walks and she sits ♪ ♪ but there simply is not a ladylike way ♪ ♪ to get rid of watermelon pits ♪ ♪ no, you can't really hide them ♪ ♪ there's nowhere to put them ♪ ♪ and eating them is really tough ♪ ♪ so I say you hock back and spit them at the waiter ♪ ♪ and eventually he'll stop serving the stuff ♪ well, here it is. Two days to go till the big weekend camping trip. No kids, no housework, no responsibilities, and no way you're gonna get to go. Because you haven't told her yet. And when you do, whoo, she is gonna blow a head gasket. Why is it that men leave everything to the last minute? I think we just try to cover our backsides by saying we like to be spontaneous. You know what I think it is? I think we're afraid of the women. No, no, red. I disagree. I think it's just 'cause, well, we're really just kind of ashamed of ourselves. Anyway, we're gonna give you an excuse so you'll be able to go to the trip, all right? Like, you got to, say, come up with a dying relative or a friend. Preferably one out of town. Yeah, one she's never heard of. And you're gonna say something to the effect of, uh, "he's gonna be on his death bed on Friday night, "and, uh, I'll, of course, "be taking my golf clubs and my fishing tackle "just in case there's some weird music "and a bolt of lightning comes down "and he's up on his feet on Sunday, looking for something to do." well, she's gonna see through that like a screen door. She'll know you're lying. Well, and that's the trick to bad lying. I mean, you got to let your loved one think she figured it all out for herself. That way she'll get mad and get it all blown off in a big hurry 'cause you're just so pathetic and stupid. And then, of course, you can go off with the guys for a while, and, you know, she'll have a couple of days to cool her jets, maybe realize how much she wants, needs, and misses you. But don't stay away too long, 'cause she might realize how much she really wants, needs, and misses you. "for sale. For sale. "do-it-yourself mink coat, "mink stole, mink jacket, and mink hat. "kit includes one male mink, one female mink, "there's a bag of mink food, and one cage. Some assembly required." [ ducks quacking ] you know, with everybody out on possum lake trying to catch themselves a catfish, I thought I would share with you one of the secrets of freshwater fishing. Just one word -- "image." you got to look like you're the expert. It doesn't catch you any more fish. But it sure intimidates the other fishermen and fisherwomen, fisherkids and so on. And it makes them lose their concentration, and they start doing stupid things -- you know, sticking their hooks in their thumbs or trying to scale fish with the outboard motor or, even worse, they try to copy you. And that pretty much guarantees failure. Now, I got a couple of fishing boats on a trailer here. I did have them on a trailer. Well, it looked like a 1 7/8, but I guess that was a 2-inch hitch. There's only two ways, really, to create an image. One is to lie, which has been pretty much overused since the nixon era. And the other one is to have real impressive-looking fishing equipment. But that takes a lot of money. So today I'm gonna show you how you can use a real cheap method to look like a rich, successful fisherman. You've all seen a stretch limo. You heard of one of them dc-stretch-8 airplanes. How about a stretch fishing boat? Alls you need is a chainsaw, and you can turn a pair of punts into a two-huller. [ chainsaw whirring, fire crackling ] there we go. Now we got all our pieces to make ourselves a really big fishing boat. Here's an extra bonus. We managed to make ourselves an anchor. That was lucky. All right, now what we got to do is separate our bow out from our stern here to start stretching her out. So let's get the bow out of the way. All righty. Just gonna try and line up the cuts there. That looks good. All right, now we get the stern out through there. [ grunts ] [ grunts ] all right. Now all we got to do is come in here and take our midship, move it back into our midship. [ grunting ] there we go. Now, of course, you just connect all these pieces together using, say, rivets or welding or, you guessed it, the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Now, the paddles here have got to go. 'cause you cannot be powering a craft of this nature and try to look affluent if you're driving along with paddles. So I would recommend you go with an outboard motor on there of some nature -- maybe 100 horsepower, maybe even more, depending on how bad your seams leak. Oh, wow. All right, we, uh -- we have a couple pieces left over here. We have a bow, and we have a stern. You know how I hate leftovers. Got an idea. There we go. What's better than a stretch fishing boat? How about a stretch fishing boat with a bimini top? Huh? Keeps the sun off you and your cooler. Keeps the rain off. Talk about image. You'll look like cleopatra barging her way down the nile. So, until next time, happy fishing. And remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, here's another bonus. [ grunts ] she doubles as a lifeboat. That's probably the most important feature of all. Coming up, we're gonna clean out buzz's plane, and I'm gonna split some wood while I talk with the teenagers, so it won't be a complete waste of time. I was in town the other day and saw a bunch of kids on those roller blades. You know what roller blades are? They're those little skates that have, uh, couch casters on them instead of blades. Now, look, I don't like to make judgments about you teenagers and your free time and how you waste it, but are you guys crazy or what? Skates are for ice, not for pavement. I mean, fall on ice skates, and, okay, you're gonna slide for a while. You might slog your noggin on the goal post or something. But you'll get over it. You know, you'll be able to carry on a conversation, perhaps have children of your own someday. Whereas you fall on the roller blades on the pavement there, and you're gonna leave a trail of skin and flesh. That's gonna make it real hard to identify the body at the end of the skid mark. You know, when the human form comes into glancing contact with a gritty surface like, say, cement or pavement, the coefficient to friction is really working against you there. So for gosh sakes, take it easy. If you have to be on wheels... Hot-wire a car or something. "wanted -- any and all kathie lee gifford albums. "will pay cash for your kathie lee gifford records, "including her 'best of' album and 'kathie lee sings her favorite christmas carols.'" [ chuckles ] "contact the possum lodge lake skeet-shooting club." oh, that's not even -- well, we just reeled in our first fish in the "catch a catfish for confirmation" contest, and, man, it's a beauty. 47 feet long. 47 feet? One fish? Yep, 47-foot catfish. That would have to be a record, I would think, of some kind. Wa-a-a! That's not a record. That's some kind of mutant freak of nature, I would think. That's scary. Well, you would know, harold. I'll tell you, they reeled it up onto the beach here. They had to use flinty mcclintock's tow truck. First time a tow truck had been used to bring in a fish as far as I would know. Wow. Who managed to reel in and land a fish that size? Oh, don't tell me. Moose thompson and his custom-made fishing rod, right? The one that has the winch soldered to the flagpole. [ chuckles ] no. Old man sedgwick. Caught it on his anchor using stinky peterson as bait. I'm guessing there's a story here. It's a normal fish story, harold. Old man sedgwick throws the anchor over. Anchor chain tangles around stinky's foot. Over he goes. Fish swallows stinky, dies, floats to the surface. They tow the fish in, fish belches, out comes stinky. [ laughs ] unbelievable. Stinky said you should have seen the one that got away. Just a normal fish story. Oh, yeah, captain "aflab" and moby "doink." here we are with buzz sherwood, our resident bush pilot and daredevil extraordinary. Red, you know, you're only as young as you feel. That's true. Boom! [ laughs ] I'm gonna be going up in the plane with buzz today, so, buzz, tell us a bit about it. Is this, what, a cessna 150, is it? Actually, red, this is kit plane. I built it around an old volkswagen beetle I used to have. Actually, I had nine of them. Hey, hop on. All right. Age before beauty. [ laughs ] ah, you got a bit of stuff here, buzz. Oh, well, throw it out. Throw it out. All right. Yeah, after today I'm gonna sell beauty, and I'm gonna buy a submarine. What? Where you gonna find a submarine? Down on possum lake. I was doing some, uh, low-level trolling this morning, you know, in the "catch a catfish for confirmation" contest. You go trolling from an airplane? Yeah, with this. Scares the bejesus out of the contestants. [ laughs ] anyway, I see someone's beached their submarine over on rock reef point. I even took a picture of it. See? That's not a submarine. That's the big catfish old man sedgwick caught. Wow! No kidding! Yeah. Whoa. Well, keep the geiger counter in there, man. We got to check this mutant out. All righty. Whoa! That was the greatest! Man, harold, you missed some great stunts. I mean, technically, these planes aren't capable of doing those kind of maneuvers, but the people that write the technical manuals, they're a bunch of wimps! [ laughs ] well, thanks, buzz. I really, really enjoyed that ride, and, uh, very educational. Yeah! It was educational for me, too! I had no idea he knew those kind of words. [ laughs ] "for sale -- used barbecue." it's a gas barbecue that's for sale. "the tank is rusted, burners are rusted, "the hoses are ruptured, glass is cracked, "and the wheels are broken. $300 or best offer." "winter warmth," by me. We all scarf down seven bowls of lodge chili. Then we're off to sit in the ice-fishing hut, where it's minus-10 degrees, windchill factor minus-30. It's "male call." [ bell rings ] wa-a-a! Got a letter here from, uh, vincent kuhm. Vincent has drawn a picture of you and I, harold. Boy, he sure got you right, didn't he? Yeah. Made you a little thin, though. See, I got a letter here from matthew babee from edmonton. Matthew is one of our younger viewers. And matthew writes, "sometimes my siblings say that 'the red green show' is for idiots." oh, I don't think so. Does your family watch the show, harold? Nope. See? All righty. There's a letter here fr-- hey, wait a second! Here's a letter here from karen in au train, michigan. And she says, "your show is just like "what is happening here in au train with us and our neighbors." well, karen, I would suggest you move... Say beirut or somewhere safe. Wa-a-a! Good advice. Oh, uncle red, listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to this. Sounds just like the possum van. "p.S., one person up here actually buried an old van and used it for a septic tank." wa-a-a! Well, I'm not planning on doing that with the possum van, harold. Well, I know not you, but I thought maybe the guy who sold it to you did that, you know. Well, something a little bit special this week. Bill is having his very own version of the possum lodge olympic games. Got the torch here -- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, watch yourself there, bill. Little haircut coming. [ chuckles ] you got to love the -- anyway, he had the various events, like the decath-- that's a hammer -- hammer throw. Is it the pentathlon? What the heck is that, anyway? You swing that around. The idea is I guess it's the centrifugal force, they call this. And you let that go, and then whatever goes the farthest, you measure the dis-- no, no, the other way, bill. The other way. Back over towards... Yeah, towards -- towards the van. Oh. Oh. All right, now, this is another event that the greeks made very famous, as they did with so many of their habits. This was the discus. I think bill may slip one. It's in your other hand there, bill. Yeah. Uh, bill is not greek. That's pretty obvious by especially that pose there. And he spins around and is gonna let her -- okay, bill, stay inside the circle. Up she comes and is coming -- bill, bill, bill, bill, bill, bill, bill! Oh. Strike two. And, uh, what's this? Oh, the sho-- oh, the shot put. Shot put. Very hea-- oh. Oh. These are very heavy little balls, and you try and throw them as far as you can. Olympics seem to be kind of a theme here. You just pick up stuff and throw it as far as you can. Those greeks must have had trouble with their neighbors. You know, I'm thinking of picking up something and throwing it as far as I can, too. It's standing beside -- no, you don't. No, you don't. No, no, no. No means no. No. [ groans ] oh, try the underhanded, like taking your kid bowling or something. Oh, boy. Thank you, bill. And, uh, what's this now? Oh, the javelin. Oh, now, I love this. I love this. This is certainly -- oh. And -- oh. I love the idea of being able to go out and hunt with an actual, uh, sporting equip-- oh. Well, he's caught himself something there. Yep. You all right there, bill? I'm trying not to laugh at this point. Now, let me help you. I'll stand on your foot. Here we go. Pull it on out of there. [ grunting ] there you go. Now you can carry the -- oh. So bill has decided that he came in number one. The judges rule otherwise. So bill is number two. And speaking of number two, stay tuned. Winston rothschild will be here to pump you out. And you want to be close by when the catfish explodes. "the mating season," by me. Spring, the mating season, the courting ritual. The primping and preening by the male. The teasing and eventual consenting by the female. The decision as to who pays for the room. Next. Next. "would the owner of an '85 le sabre with a blue door, "primer-red trunk, gray-primer fender, "missing rear left fender, white hood, and a rusted roof, would you please buy a new car, for pete's sake?" oh, okay. [ rattling ] [ water splashes ] well, that huge dead catfish that old man sedgwick reeled up onto the beach has turned into a real attraction here. I cannot believe people don't have anything better to do than stand around and look at a dead fish. Just like old man sedgwick looking in the mirror, harold. You know what he's gonna do with it? Feed africa for a year? No, harold, he wants to make money with the thing. Uncle red, you cannot make money off a dead catfish. Now, harold, that's exactly the reason your generation can't find jobs. What we're gonna do is we were thinking maybe cover it up with sheet metal, make it a tourist attraction -- carl the chrome catfish. But that was before we got the fish-oil idea. Excuse me? Fish oil? Yeah, fish oil. You know, like you have cod-liver oil. Why not sedgwick's catfish gall-bladder oil? It'll be a medicine. Who's gonna prescribe it, dr. Kevorkian? Wa-a-a! No, harold, we're gonna get rich here. You know, whale oil, they use that for cosmetics and perfume. Why can't there be catfish cosmetics? Yeah, you could call it "fish face." [ laughs ] laugh if you want, harold. You won't be laughing when you see our colognes in every store. Oh. Catfish perfume -- it'll reel in the suckers. I tell you, harold, that fish is a windfall. [ spraying ] whoo-hoo. Yeah, but only if you're upwind. Since we're coming out with our new line of catfish colognes and fish fragrances, thought I'd talk to local entrepreneur winston rothschild. If your septic overflows, just call winston with his hose. Yeah, winston, you've made a real successful business here, have you not? Red, I like to think I've gone from effluence to affluence. [ slurping ] so, uh, winston, we're starting a new thing here. What do you think's the most important thing when you're going into business? Is it, uh, reliability of the service, the dependability, the honesty? What is it? What is the real secret to this thing? No, no, the secret is having a catchy, flashy name that folks can remember, eh. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I learned that from a course I once took called, uh, "the ultimate super success story -- in one easy step to riches, fame, and glory." [ slurping ] oh! I was gonna call my company tidy toidy, eh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had this little animated character called mr. Tidy toidy, and he'd be sitting there, holding a big hunk of hose in two feet of sewage, eh. But it was too, uh, well, you know, uh... Yeah. Cute. Yeah. Cute. Then I was gonna call it mcdrainage, eh. But some major fast-food chain threatened to sue me. Oh, sure. Oh, I see. What you're saying is the secret to success is for us to find ourselves a catchy name. Exactly. Yeah. Youse guys are looking for a name for perfume, right? Uh-huh. So it's got to be a hot name that suggests romance. I'm thinking, uh, "sin." oh, uh, "fling." ooh. Or how about this -- "buck naked and drunk." what do you think? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, listen, there's a whale of a stench down by the beach right now. I believe someone's in need of my services. Oh, no, no, no. That's just the big catfish old man sedgwick caught. That thing's been lying out in the sun all afternoon. Really? Yeah. [ sniffs ] hey, that gives me a good idea for the name of your perfume, eh. Great. How about "swoon"? Well, that's it for this fish, so thanks for watching. On behalf of the fish and keep your fish on the... Uncle red? Uncle red? Uncle red, what happened to the fish in the -- ho! Hello! Whoo! There's a fish on that -- are you -- what happened? Catfish. Oh, hi, harold. What -- the 47-foot fish, uncle red. What happened? Gone. Gone? Gone. A-are you all right? Yeah. A little dizzy from the concussion, harold. The concussion? Bottom feeder, harold, catfish. Moose soldering, propane. Left the tank going. Still going. Falls into the lake. Still going. Did I say -- still going. Still going. And catfish comes along, and a big catfish. 47 feet. 3 feet. 3 feet. Good one. Swallows the propane. Still going. Inflates, harold. Really big. 47 feet. All propane, harold. Moose cutting it with a chainsaw. Spark. Boom, harold. Boom. Boom. Yeah. Boom. Rained fish for 30, 40 minutes, harold. Ew. I'm fine. I kept my clothes, but moose -- the chainsaw, the overalls, the body hair... ...His future family gone. [ screeching ] uncle red, that was the cry of the possum. It's meeting time, okay? It was horrible, harold. Raining fish. Okay, well, we'll just get you cleaned up, and then we'll go to the meeting, okay? Yeah. Boom, and then fish. Fish as far as you can see, harold. Well, if my aunt bernice is watching, uncle red will be okay in a few minutes. And, uh, for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and uncle red and everyone else up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice, okay? [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: [ nasally ] oh, man! All right, we don't know what it is. But hopefully someday it'll be on its way and we won't have to worry about it. Harold, can you explain this at all? Whoo! What? To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.